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nemoma - 2008/1/8 13:51:00
原来是我们外教的作业,写一篇1000词以上的故事,结果写出了这个,在同人区发的是第一稿,老外打了60分(满分100,50及格)这是第二稿:
英文不好的人请按下浏览器上的后退键

To remember, to forget


I was dreaming,



A small town, snowy town,



The winter town 9 years ago,



But why I’m dreaming?



Did I leave something important there? I can’t remember.



The only thing that’s left in my mind is an over-active girl’s figure.



Why can’t I recall the rest?



So I set up the journey to seek, and



To Remember






After a long nine years, Yuri DeMenchevarrived at a small town. He waited on a bench just outside the station. It’sthe middle of December. The snow was falling down quietly.


“She’s late.” Yurisaid to himself.


“Watch out your mouth!” a very angry voicehad come from behind, “I waited for you for over 2 hours and you are saying that I was late?”


“You are same as always, Elle.” Yuri smiled, and turns his head around in anextraordinary angle.


There is a girl just standing behind thebench, with snow covering the surface of her clothes. She’s Yuri’s childhood friend, Elle Sanders.


Yuriwas sitting in Elle's home

a while later, In otherwords, Yuri’s home stay. The owner ofthe house is Elle’s mother, Sarah Sanders. Elle’s father is not at home veryoften since he is currently working in Russia.

Elle is sitting on the sofa now, sayingnothing to Yuri.


“Elle, forgive Yuri,It’s your fault that you were playing hide and seek with him.” said Sarah.


“Doesn’t he remember that I often wait forhim behind him?” Elle still seems angry.

“Well,well. I have forgotten too much while I was away. Of course I forgot thingslike that.”
“OK,I will forgive you but ONLY this time.” Elle smiles.
Amoment later, Elle and Yuri arewalking on the shopping street of the town. Yuriasked: “Is the city as same as it was 9 yearsago?”
“Youreally didn’t remember?” Elle asked, as she was shocked.
“Iforgot everything there including…”
Atthat time, another girl’s voice had shattered through the wind.
“Hey!You there! Let Emily pa~~~ss~~~”
Yuri turns his face and founda girl who is wearing a thick jacket charging right at him. At the same timeElle made a small hop sideways to avoid the girl.
“Whatare you doing?! Emily can’t stop!” Thesound is nearer and nearer, and…
CRASH!
Afterthe comical sound, Yuri was totally faceddown to the snow. And another body was on him.
“Emily told you to avoid her. She had already warnedyou, why don’t you dodge?” The voice becomes smaller “Wait…, are you DeMenchev?Yuri DeMenchev?”
Yuri tried to sit up, but hecan’t do that since the strange-talking girl is right above him. So he said “YesI am. Could you get up first?”
Tenminutes later. Elle and Yuri aresitting on a bench nearby with the strange girl. Elle tried to ask Yuri about the girl, but gave up when she saw Yuri’s eyes.
Yuri tried to break the silenceby asking who the strange girl is:
“Youseemed to know me, but I’m sorry I had forgotten what had happened 9 years ago. You are?”
“Oh,I see. Emily’s name is Emily Granger.If Yuri really forgotten.” The strangegirl introduced herself at last. “And this is Elle? I had been to your homeseveral times, but you weren’t here…”
“…Becauseat that time I’m staying with my dad in Russia.” Elle said.
“Andwhat’s with your talking style…”
“Yuri has been so rude! Emilywas asked the exactly same question 9 yearsago! That’s when we first met!”
“OK,if you insist.” Yuri gave up the question;maybe I really forgot these things.


"You live alone, right? I knew that from my mother."




"Yeah, Emily'sparents are all working in travel agencies so they had to travel to differenceplaces every day.
SoI live alone."




At home, Sarah asked Emily if she had any plans for Christmas, after asmall family meeting they decided to have Emilyin Sander's Christmas party.




"That will make a better atmosphere for Christmas."said Sarah.




"Yes, Emily isvery glad to hear that."




"Yuri, don't youmind going to buy something for Christmas with Emilytomorrow?
I believeshe will be very happy since you are her old-time-friend." said Sarah.




"
What about Elle, then? Yuriasked, "It's unfair for me if ‘another friend’ didn't go!"




"You can make her go with you if you can drag her up frombed tomorrow morning."




"I'll try." Yurithought it would be a good chance for him to regain memories.




The next day, Yurifinally recalls that Elle is the kind of girl that can't be waked up by others.He realizes that after a try of more than 30 minutes.




And heregrets forgetting the memory because drag Elle up from bed is totally a wasteof time.




While on the way to the shop, Yuriasks Emily
: "What will you do ifyou had lost your memory?"




"Emily will
make newmemories of happiness."




"Do you remember anything that happened to me 9 yearsago?"




Emily said nothing andquickly changed the subject.
“Hey, do you remember there is a very good shop around there which sellsawesome, marvelous, fantastic chocolate sundaes?”




She knows something. Yurithought.
Butinstead he said:




“Don’tmessing up with the adjectives, will you?”




“Or what doyou want to buy for Emily and Elle forChristmas?”




“DO NOTINGORE ME!” Yuri found his word haveno effect on Emily.




After awhile, they arrived to the shop, and they went different direction to buypresents.




Weeks flew past quick. Soon it's the party time, the ChristmasEve.




That night,all of The Sanders, including Yuri DeMenchev and Emily Granger,gathered together in the hall on the second floor of the house. In the hallthere is a big Christmas tree. Yuriwonders how a woman and a girl (Yurinever bought any Christmas trees into the house.) can manage to get the treeinto the house.




“Well, timefor your Christmas dinner, after the dinner we’ll exchange our presents.” said Sandy.




While theyare eating, Emily asked: “Do youreally want to have the memories back, even though it’s not that important?”




“Well, I wantit back because I can’t stand myself being a person with no past.”




“Why concernabout past? Emily has a theory, allthe things we did, are all prearranged by someone. They type our story out andrelease it to other people. Under their cursor, there is no past, only todayand tomorrow. That’s why you can hear somebody comments the life was just likedream. But even we are created by someone; they have their own memories aswell. They use their memories to create us. What we can do is to create our ownfuture. It’s easy if you live today and tomorrow as a fullest.”




“Then whatabout the people who created us?” asked Yuricasually.




“Their storywould be written by others, as well.” replied Emily.




“And weshould say “Happy Christmas” to them, since they are probably in Christmas too.Emily will do that first.”




Then shecleared her throat.




“You peoplewatching us, Happy Christmas!” Emilysaid cheerfully.




What a crazyidea, thought Yuri.




“What are youtalking about? I can’t understand a single word!” Elle asks Yuri.




“Neithercould I. It seems Emily is the type ofpeople who never cares about HER past.”




“Maybe shedidn’t have one.” Sandy overheard her daughter’sdialogue and said.




“It'snot a regular joke that can say in front of Emily.”
Yuri smiled.




They continuehave their dinner happily. Yuridecided to let go of the unreal dream and memories and welcome the real life.




Happy timesalways come fast, soon the party was over. Yuriand Elle will walk Emily home.




“Hey, wheredo you live?” asked Yuri.



“It’s not any important, since you won’t visit metoo often if you take my advice.”




“It seems so.”Yuri sighed.




“It will beOK there.” Emily suddenly stops. Theyhad arrived at the bench where Yuriwaited for Elle (or vice versa) some days before.




“So, see you.Yuri.” Emilywalked into the darkness beyond the station. Soon her figure was disappeared.




Is that my feelingthat she won’t show up again? Yurithought. And went back home with Elle.




Elle’s homewas in their sight and Sarah isstanding under a lamp post, waiting for them.




"It better remains this way." said Yuri, suddenly.


“Whatdid you just said?” asks Elle surprisingly.
“Imean, why am I so concerned with the past? Can’t I live today and tomorrow as afullest?”
“Maybethat’s better for you.” said Sarah, “It’sbetter of you not to care about the past.”
“Whoknows?” Yuri replied with a smile. And look at the starry sky.
Yes,live your life for tomorrow. Not for yesterday, that’s what Emily tried to tell, right?
Yuri thought so.
“Let’sgo, Elle.”
Theirshadows drop under the long streets.

~END~



“It better remains this way.” I said,



I realized my dream is always a dream,



Like the over-active girl that disappear before my eyes.



The important things are lying in the future



Even though the memories are precious,



It could be buried by time.



So,I decided



To forget.



我承认这里有10%的EG,名字变了,口癖换了,事情反了......用的还是BE,但是发在同人区大家还是接受这是KANON同人的,所以就把这火星物再挖出来。老外对修改过的文章打73分。

这个排版很诡异,大家将就看吧。
fuurin - 2008/1/8 15:39:00
很好很强大,可惜英文苦手......
nemoma - 2008/1/8 16:12:00
我这里还有Kanon OP ED 的跳舞机版的图(自己玩的)要发的话可以报个名
lmyoaoa - 2008/1/8 16:32:00
啊哈哈..看了一半,感觉描写还不错的说..支持[:Yeah:]
伪OTAKU - 2008/1/8 19:24:00
英语……老是考40-的我……怎么可能看得明白……加篇译文吧……不是我懒……
nemoma - 2008/1/8 22:04:00
加中文我就要囧啦
饶了我吧
LS把我的文章全选看解决办法
或者用金山快译
对不起那......
goodbest - 2008/1/8 22:09:00
试试google的囧翻译吧
  1. http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.keyfc.net%2Fbbs%2Fshowtopic-23310.aspx&langpair=en%7Czh-CN&hl=en&ie=UTF-8
复制代码
从翻译情况来看Lz有一些拼写错误,比如两个词之间没加空格什么的。
nemoma - 2008/1/8 22:09:00
大概就是这样
Yuri=U1[发音相似]
Emily=Ayu
Elle=Nayuki
用的是全人物攻略不成的Bad Ending[我承认我EG]
但是赋予其正面的意义“人要向前看,即使记忆是珍贵的,未来也是更可贵的。“所以如果在回忆与忘却中选一个,那就忘却,不要让回忆成为负担。
nemoma - 2008/1/9 0:08:00
两个词之间的空格是论坛诡异的排版,对不起啦......
囧。
nemoma - 2008/1/9 0:09:00
原帖由 goodbest 于 2008-1-8 22:09:00 发表
试试google的囧翻译吧
  1. http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.keyfc.net%2Fbbs%2Fshowtopic-23310.aspx&langpair=en%7Czh-CN&hl=en&ie=UTF-8
复制代码
从翻译情况来看Lz有一些拼写错误,比如两个词之间没加空格


翻译果然囧,要吐了......
nemoma - 2008/1/9 0:15:00
不过我在原帖里的竞猜题依然有效:
能写出文中人物姓名来源者有奖!!!
jy02576434 - 2008/1/10 20:21:00
````````````最好有翻译版本````XD
nemoma - 2008/1/10 20:23:00
我在6F的帖子原封不动送给LS。
有爱人士可以来翻一下,本人有奖......
nemoma - 2008/1/14 17:21:00
最近几天*可能*会抽出时间来翻译这篇文章
By popular demand......


另:这个寒假*可能*会填某个大坑......
dukkie - 2008/1/19 21:11:00
冒昧说句得罪LZ的话
外教给这个分数
是从语言的准确度考虑的吧...
但是LZ能写出这样的故事
已经很了不起了
只可惜西方老外看不懂...
nemoma - 2008/1/19 23:23:00
首先,老外看得懂,但是没有意识到这是同人,给我的评价是意识流。
nemoma - 2008/1/19 23:26:00
首先,老外看得懂,但是没有意识到这是同人,给我的评价是意识流。
dukkie - 2008/1/20 0:22:00
替LZ改了一下语言
不过我的英语也只有六级的水平
很多地方不懂
就保持原文了


To remember, to forget





I was dreaming,




A small town, a snowy town,




The winter town 9 years ago,




But why was I dreaming?




Had I left something important there? I couldn't remember.




The only thing  left in my mind is the figure of an over-active girl's.




Why couldn't I recall the rest?




So I set up the journey to seek, and




To Remember






After a long time of nine years, Yuri DeMenchev arrived at a small town. He waited on a bench just outside the station. It's the middle of December. The snow was falling down quietly.

"She's too late." Yuri said to himself.

"Watch out for your words!" A very angry voice came from his back, "I've been waiting for you for more than 2 hours and you are saying that I was late?"

"You are the same as you were, Elle." Yuri smiled, and turns his head around at an extraordinary angle.

There was a girl just standing behind the bench, with snow covering her clothes. She is Yuri's friend in his childhood, Elle Sanders.

A while later, Yuri was sitting in Elle's home, which Yuri would stay in. The owner of the house was Elle's mother, Sarah Sanders. Elle's father was seldom back home since he was currently working in Russia.

Elle was sitting in the sofa now, saying nothing to Yuri.

"Elle, forgive Yuri, It's your fault that you were playing hide and seek with him." said Sarah.

"Doesn't he forget that I used to wait for him behind him?" Elle still seemed angry.

"Well, well. I've forgotten too much since I was away, of course including things like that."

"OK, I will forgive you but ONLY this time." Elle smiles.

A moment later, Elle and Yuri was walking on the shopping street of the town. Yuri asked:  "Is the city as same as it was 9 years ago?"

"You've really forgotten?" Elle asked, shocked.

"I've forgotten everything here including..."

At that moment, another girl’s voice shattered through the wind.

"Hey! You there! Let Emily pa~~~ss~~~"

Yuri looked over his shoulder, and found a girl in a thick jacket charging right at him. At the same time Elle made a small hop sideways to avoid the girl.

"What are you doing?! Emily can't stop!" The voice was nearer and nearer, and...

CRASH!

After the comical sound, Yuri was totally faced down to the snow, and another body was on him.

"Emily told you to avoid her. She had already warned you. Why didn't you dodge?" The voice became smaller, "Wait... are you DeMenchev? Yuri DeMenchev?"

Yuri tried to sit up, but he couldn't do that since the strange-talking girl was sitting right on him. He said: "Yes, I am. Could you get up first?"

Ten minutes later, Elle and Yuri were sitting on a bench nearby with the strange girl. Elle tried to ask Yuri about the girl, but gave up when she saw Yuri's eyes.

Yuri tried to break the silence by asking who the strange girl was.

"You seem to know me, but I'm sorry I've forgotten what had happened 9 years ago. And you are?"

"Oh,I see. Emily's name is Emily Granger. If Yuri really forgotten." The strange girl introduced herself at last. "And this is Elle? I've been to your home several times, but every time you were absent..."

"... Because at that time I was staying with my dad in Russia." Elle said.

"And what about your talking style..."

"Yuri has been so rude! Since Emily was asked exactly the same question 9 years ago! which was the time we first met!"

"OK, if you insist." Yuri gave up the question, "Maybe I've really forgotten these things."

"You live alone, right? I heard that from my mother."

"Yeah, Emily's parents are all working in travelling agencies, so they had to be on trip in difference places every day. So I live alone."

At home, Sarah asked Emily if she had any plans for Christmas. After a small family meeting, they decided to let Emily join in Sanders's Christmas party.

"That will make a better atmosphere for Christmas."said Sarah.

"Yes, Emily will be very glad to hear that."

"Yuri, would you mind going to buy something for Christmas with Emily tomorrow? I believe she will be very happy since you are her old-time-friend." said Sarah.

"What about Elle, then?" Yuri asked, "It's unfair to me if 'the other friend' do not go!"

"You can make her go with you if you can drag her up from bed tomorrow morning."

"I'll try." Yuri thought it would be a good chance for him to regain his memory.

The next day, after an attempt for more than 30 minutes, Yuri finally recalled that Elle was the kind of girl that couldn't be waked up by others.

He regretted having forgotton this memory, because dragging Elle up from bed was totally a waste of time.

On the way to the shop, Yuri asked Emily: "What will you do if you had lost your memory?"

"Emily will make new memories of happiness."

"Do you remember anything that happened to me 9 years ago?"

Emily said nothing and quickly changed the topic. “Hey, do you remember there was a very good shop around there which sells awesome, marvelous, fantastic chocolate sundaes?”

She must know something. Yuri thought. But instead, he said:

"Don't mess up with the adjectives, will you?"

"Or what do you want to buy for Emily and Elle as a Christmas present?"

"DO NOT INGORE MY WORDS!" Yuri found his word had no effect on Emily.

After a while, they arrived at the shop, and went in different directions to buy presents.

Weeks flew quickly. Not long after that it was the party time, Christmas Eve.

That night, each one of The Sanders, including Yuri DeMenchev and Emily Granger, gathered together in the hall on the second floor of the house. In the hall there was a big Christmas tree. Yuri wondered how a woman and a girl (Yuri never bought a Christmas tree into the house.) could manage to get the tree into the house.

"Well, it's time for the Christmas dinner, after that we'll exchange our presents." said Sandy.

While they were eating, Emily asked: "Do you really want the memories back, even though they're not so important?"

"Well, I want them back because I can't stand myself being a person with no past"

"Why concern about past? Emily has a theory: all the things we do, are all prearranged by someone. They type our stories out and release it to other people. Under their cursor, there is no past, but only today and tomorrow. That's why you can often hear people comment that the life was just like a dream. But even if we are created by someone, they have their own memories as well. They use their memories to create us. What we can do is to create our own future. It's easy if you live today and tomorrow as a fullest.”

"Then what about the people who created us?" asked Yuri casually.

"Their stories would be written by others, as well." replied Emily, "And we should say 'Merry Christmas' to them, since they are probably cele***ting Christmas too. Emily will do that first."

Then she cleared her throat.

"You people watching us, Merry Christmas!" Emily said cheerfully.

What a crazy idea, thought Yuri.

"What are you talking about? I can't understand a single word!" Elle asks Yuri.

"Neither could I. It seems that Emily is the type of person who never cares about HER past."

"Maybe she never has one." Sandy overheard thier dialogue and said.

"It's not a regular joke that can be told in front of Emily." Yuri smiled.

They continued having their dinner happily. Yuri decided to let go of the unreal dream and memories and welcome the real life.

Happy time always pasts fast. A moment later the party was over. Yuri and Elle was going to accompany Emily home.

"Hey, where do you live?" asked Yuri.

"It's not important at all, since you won't visit me too often if you take my advice."

"It seems so." Yuri sighed.

"It will be OK there." Emily suddenly stops. They had arrived at the bench where Yuri waited for (or was waited for by) Elle some days ago.

"So, see you. Yuri." Emily walked into the darkness beyond the station, and later her figure disappeared.

Why am I feeling that she won't show up again? Yuri thought, and went back home with Elle.

Elle's home was in their sight and Sarah was standing under a lamp post, waiting for them.

"It'd better remain this way." said Yuri, suddenly.

"What did you just said?" asks Elle surprisingly.

"I mean, why should I so concern about the past? Can't I live today and tomorrow as a fullest?"

"Maybe that's better for you." said Sarah, "It's better for you not to care for the past."

"Who knows?" Yuri replied with a smile. And look at the starry sky.

Yes, live your life for tomorrow. Not for yesterday, that's what Emily tried to tell, right?

Yuri thought so.

"Let's go, Elle."

Their shadow dropped down on the long streets.


~END~




"It'd better remain this way." I said,




I realized my dream would always be a dream,




Like the over-active girl that disappeared before my eyes.




The important things are lying in the future




Even though the memories are precious,




It can be buried by time.




So,I decided




To forget.
nemoma - 2008/1/20 11:14:00
谢谢LS,正在阅读中......
永恒的世界 - 2008/1/20 18:08:00
偶在想象那个老外会不会就此加入KFC……
ceruleanpearl - 2008/1/20 22:22:00
很有趣,把佑一和亞由之間情侶特有的調戲話寫出來了:
“Don’t messing up with the adjectives, will you?”
“Or what do you want to buy for Emily and Elle for Christmas?”
“DO NOT INGORE ME!” Yuri found his word have no effect on Emily.

另外
“... Emily has a theory, all the things we did, are all prearranged by someone. They type our story out and release it to other people. Under their cursor, there is no past, only today and tomorrow. ... But even we are created by someone; they have their own memories aswell. They use their memories to create us... ”

這不是把shiori都混進來了嗎?
nemoma - 2008/1/20 22:27:00
老外看不懂中文,也看不懂日文
以上
dukkie - 2008/1/20 22:59:00
又改了一下..
昨晚睡眼惺忪地没看出来
本想顺便翻译一下的
但苦于本人语文没学好
文学功底差
翻出来恐怕会像小学生作文

顺便问一下
live today and tomorrow as a fullest 到底是什么意思啊...
nemoma - 2008/1/21 9:41:00
“从今天开始。活一个最充实的明天”
就是乐观向上地对待现在和将来(不要为过去束缚)
laputachen - 2008/2/20 3:24:00
楼主英语不错,啥时候出国?

嗯,作为文学作品的话,语言还是少了些意思……
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